Goals.

I'll be honest... after the year was up on this project, I lost a lot of direction, and found myself aimless in what I have been trying to do with my music.  For many of us artists and musicians, it's hard to keep up momentum, because the yard stick by which we measure our accomplishments is so hazy.  And also, it's difficult to come up with a concrete goal.  And not just the immediate goals, but the ultimate life goal.  Then, usually, the goal is something that doesn't actually exist in the present, but needs us to create it.  And it follows that we have to determine the value of that goal, and decide how much time we will devote to it; and rest assured that dividing resources between that goal and our day-to-day existence creates much conflict, both personally and professionally.  It's REALLY HARD.  And that's the objective perspective.  Throw ego and confidence into the equation, and then you've REALLY got a conundrum.

Anyway, I sat down the other day to discuss a "five year plan," and though there was nothing permanently decided, it was very clarifying for my own direction.  Some things came out of my mouth that were like little light bulbs flickering on.  (Cue triangle sound.)  I know the feeling of stagnance is always looming, and ready to cloud us in a grey fog, but for the moment, I have my little torch back.

Here we go, Post-grad improv 3: https://ia600304.us.archive.org/4/items/Improv12112_697/20121201153656.mp3

Legitimate.

I'm waiting, for some reason, for my improv to be legitimized by the outside world.  Well, maybe I'm holding my breath.  I shouldn't wait for anyone to say it's good or bad.  It's probably better, in fact, that I can't seem to find a way to categorize what I do.  No more holding... just doing.  Just.  Do.

I wish I had recorded my improv from today... then I'd have something to share.

Oh wait!  But I DO have something to post.  This one is from a few weeks ago.

Post-grad improv 2: https://ia600302.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv11712_933/20121107181205.mp3

Return.

It's been at least two months since I've come here.  It's a familiar sensation.

That's what we feel when we return to some place we haven't been in a while.  A nostalgic remembrance that resembles deja vu... slightly eerie as if you've slipped softly backwards into a cloudy memory.  In those moments, your body isn't sure what the time frame is anymore; and your physical confusion only adds to your psyche's displacement.  It's all very strange.

Sometimes, the mix of body/mind/meta memory is not a good one.  Interesting how lasting some impressions can be, and how strongly they can influence us years and years and years later.  Some of the things I've learned, I wish I could unlearn.  That same sentiment, though, from a different perspective, makes me take my role as a teacher and as a human much more seriously.  (Silver lining.)

Anyway, this may all sound cryptic and strange, and guess what.  Chances are, if I'm writing cryptically and strangely, you can bet I'm not going to clarify at all.  Ah, homecomings.  We don't ever really change, do we?

So here I am after two months of not blogging, and not really doing much improvising.  To be honest, I haven't been doing much playing at all.  Yesterday, I sat down at my lonely piano, and gave it some love, the results of which, I will post here.

Here we go, Post-grad Improv 1: https://ia902602.us.archive.org/33/items/Improv101612/20121016205254.mp3

Still learning.

You didn't all think I was going to be able to stay away for THAT long, did you?  Ha.  Well, there's no intention left for this little thing, but I did want to pop back and jot down a thought I had today.  I hadn't played at all the past couple of days, because my best friend from kindergarten came to visit over the weekend.  But she left this morning, and it gave me a moment to sit at the piano.  I didn't feel like anything written... so I slapped together a few notes for an improvisation.  It was perhaps the fourth or fifth improv I've ever done without recording.  And it's really crazy how different it is when the recorder is on or off.  I literally held back NOTHING, and the music came out so naturally and personally.  After a year of getting comfortable putting myself on the spot, I guess it STILL was not as comfortable as when I am in solitude.  There were no feelings of, "uhhh, what next?" or, "just make some noise! Fill that void!! FILL IT!"  And if I can say so myself, it was actually really good.

Still learning....

We end here.

How to begin?

http://wherewegowhen.blogspot.com/2011/08/first-of-many-i-hope.html

A year ago minus a day, I never would have thought that I would now be wrapping up a project such as this.  It did not occur to me that improvisation is something that I would one day feel somewhat comfortable with.  In complete truth and honesty, the day I found the resolve to do something like this and took a decision to make it happen was the very day I started WhereWeGoWhen.  I started it on an impulse.  To want to know.

I remember googling the way to upload easily from my iPhone so that I would not feel hindered by my lack of computer savvy on a day to day basis.  And I opened my blogspot account with determined fervor and frenzy... I did not care what the title would be, nor the layout.  It was only important that the account was open, to force myself into the project without a moment to second-guess what I might be getting myself into.

It turned out that the project was a far larger commitment than I might have anticipated.  There were many days... MANY... when having to get my daily improvisation recorded interrupted other plans and/or obligations.  (For those of you who waited an extra twenty minutes for me to arrive at an agreed destination over the past year, I take this opportunity to blame The Project.)  I'm lucky that I was able to always find a piano at hand, each and every day.  Even when I wasn't in town.  I feel VERY lucky that I never had to resort to an electric instrument, nor had to pass off my improv to any other instrument... voice, violin, tin cups... none of which I am very skilled with.  And I'm really proud, very proud indeed, that I never missed a single day in the entire year.

One of my most valuable lessons from this project is that the idea of perfection in music is total hogwash.  It's something that we already know, but few of us dare to accept in practice.  This is particularly true for my classical musician friends.  And I know that, however hard I might try to fight it, I will never fully be able to give up the notion of perfect playing.  Not really.  But it is easier now to accept whatever ideas might come out of me in improvisation.  At the beginning, I used to record several improvs a day, and then pick the one I liked best to post.  This continued for a long time.  It was difficult to find satisfaction in just the first one, knowing that it was going to be public.  The improvs, in the first half of the year at least, felt terribly awkward.  And since I'm a "professional pianist," I felt expected to put out something that was, at the very least, tasteful, and hopefully something that would make sense.

I don't want to say that I was wrong to do that [record a ton, pick one], because ultimately, it was part of the journey that got me to a place where I could be more comfortable.  And to be fair, I was essentially practicing improvisation, and needed the practice.  I don't think many people would be willing to put their practice sessions online in any genre of music.  What we want to present is our final draft; not the rough, unedited one.  Certainly not the little exercises that mean diddly squat, and expose our many, many weaknesses.  Anyway, as the project wore on, it became easier and easier to risk the embarrassment.  Maybe because the improvs got better and better, but probably just that I desensitized myself to that fear.  I couldn't, after all, give that much time to recording and listening, day after day, for the whole year.  (At the beginning, it would take hours.  Literally.)  So I think the endurance factor forced me to let go of my pride and ego, both of which bind us all, anyway.

What I did not expect from the project was the extent to which my life changed because of it.  I thought this was just going to get me into improvisation.  But having to examine the improvs, the good and the bad, the confusing and the obvious, made me become a philosopher.  The connections between music and life are vast; time, nature, physics, emotions, mechanics, dreams... the whole gamut.  And I considered all of it over the year.  There's certainly a lot that I missed, but some things crept up that had never occurred to me before, and this project was the magnifying glass that made me take notice.  The people that I spoke to, the situations that arose, and the conversations that came up were so fascinating and explorative; and were often, either directly or indirectly, results of being in the midst of this process.  I'm so grateful to those of you who were part of this project, in big ways and small, whether you know it or not.  If we talked at all over the past year, or if I taught you, you taught me.  And I learned from you.

It was startling to listen to live music during the project.  I no longer listened to music as a product, but rather to the elements that contained the process.  Most classical music turned into improvisations before my very eyes, and I started to feel grateful that I already knew what was going to come next as I played written compositions.  I gained a closeness to classical composers, and began to recognize their idioms in a much clearer way... in almost a funny way, as I found many motives that would present themselves over and over, subconsciously and unintentionally in my own improvisation.

After this year, I realize that I have a very recognizable style and voice.  This was a concern for me all along.  I didn't know what my voice would sound like, if I would like it, or if it was something I would have to consciously develop.  I didn't know if it was important to try to break away from what felt comfortable and easy, or if I should just follow what was natural.  To be honest, I still don't really know how to approach that, because I feel it's important to push ones boundaries, yet remain true to oneself.  But what I have been able to conclude is that the voice comes out no matter what.  Day by day, it started to become more and more clear, and resistance was futile.  My stamp is on every improv I do, whether I want it there or not.  And the recurring motives, patterns and intervals that you might catch on any number of the improvs are not there by any choice of mine... they just live there.

Now that the year is up, I want to be able to answer all the questions that I had when I first began.  I know that would be impossible.  The questions never dry up.  They're not to be answered with any degree of certainty.  And in fact, the questions were actually never part of the initial goal... they were just side-effects.  But it's interesting to note that I had a lot of preconceived notions about improvisation when I started... for example, the idea that I didn't have any language to begin with.  At first, I was under the impression that improvised music must somehow be based on "jazz."  Well, I think it's pretty obvious to anyone who's heard any of my improvs that they are clearly not jazz.  It never really mattered that I didn't know chords or charts or any of that.  I had all the language I needed, as Jesse advised early on.  The hardest part was simply letting go of what I thought I should know or be.  Expectations, whether they were mine or what I thought were others', were the biggest hindrance to my progress.

Two words I mentioned in the first post that should be addressed: fear and vulnerability.  They'll never leave us.  It is only human to have these, and if you don't, you've got no self-worth.  I mean, it's only natural to want to preserve the self, and these two things, well... they're necessary for survival.  That being said, it's healthy to exercise them in the proper context.  And still, beyond the end of this project, I will continue to have a certain amount of irrational fear.  But, I can say that this project has forced me into scary places that I've walked away from relatively unscathed.  I'll never regret having done this, and as I stated a few days ago, this project has been the best education I've ever received.  So fear and vulnerability, we've got each other by the throats; strong wills and strong grips, but with a wink and a smirk from all sides.

Just as I didn't know how to begin, I don't know how to end.  I'm beginning to feel pretty emotional to set the pen down.  I'm relieved and apprehensive at the same time.  But let's just say it's only for now... a break to celebrate the year's achievement.  At the very least, I'll come back to begin the next project (whatever that may be).  Maybe we'll even get some new improvs on here at some point.  Until then, goodnight.  And with that, the journey ends.

Here we go, Day 365: https://ia800304.us.archive.org/8/items/Improv81312/20120813162014.mp3

People.

A day at the beach reminds me all about people.

Here we go, Day 364: https://ia600502.us.archive.org/30/items/Improv81212/20120812143411.mp3

Flip the coin.

I have to admit that even though I'm almost at the end of this project, I've become worn out by it.  Instead of a feeling of adrenaline to the last push, I've felt a little bit resigned lately.  Maybe I'll get the kick in the next couple of days.  Maybe not.  But I'm surprised by it all.  Maybe it's just August, the heat and humidity, and I'm still just trying to get back into a New York groove.

The ebb and flow of life is remarkable to me.  That one day we can feel so thrilled, and shortly thereafter shrug our shoulders.  That anger or sadness dissipates over time, but sometimes, so does joy and excitement.  When we flip the coin, there's no telling how it will land.  But the two sides are always inevitably there, and the balance is always there.  And the unpredictability is predictable.  If there's one thing I would want to do with my life, it would be to flip the coin so that it lands on it's finger-worn, smooth edge; rolling off the table, onto the floor and out the door.  It's balanced like that, too, you see?

Here we go, Day 363: https://ia600800.us.archive.org/10/items/Improv81112/20120811203640.mp3

Knock out.

Slowly, but surely, reemerging into the land of the loud.  Ay, this unrelenting city.  But few places cater to tastes such as mine in such a complete way.  It's true, the city knocks me out.  For better or worse.  And as much as it depletes me, it has molded me and enriched me, and shaped me.  All that owed to a city.

Here we go, Day 362: https://ia700700.us.archive.org/20/items/Improv81012/20120810143943.mp3

An education.

As I near the end of this long journey, I reflect upon what just happened.

I can hardly fathom the amount of information I've processed.  Despite loads of school, I don't think I've ever felt I've learned so much in such a short amount of time.  This blog and project has been the catalyst for endless hours of philosophizing, both on and away from the piano.  I'm a different person.  And the world has opened up in a way that I never would have expected. 

I'm starting to touch on a lot of the things I'd rather save for the final post, so I won't go on much more.  But I want to share this: that this project is the best education I've ever received, and has tested my limits, fears, talents, curiosities, and discipline.  As the final day closes in, I tremble with excitement, relief, and trepidation.  I don't know what will come next, and the idea that I won't have a project to work on makes me worry.  I worry that if I don't have a goal, then I'll be wandering aimlessly.  I think it's a valid concern.  And if I continue?  The commitment for an entire second year is daunting... I'm not sure it would have the same impact anyway.  So the question looms... and I have just a few days left to come up with an answer.

Here we go, Day 361: https://ia600303.us.archive.org/34/items/Improv8912_148/20120809164503.mp3

The blues.

As I recalled to a friend, this is the first time I've been alone in four weeks.  Maybe longer.  It is a strange feeling.

I mean, really alone.  This is the first time that I've had any glimpse of total privacy since about July 10 or so.  I need it, I love it, I can't stand it.  It's as if all of the stress and buildup of the last few weeks is still there, but now there's no objective for any of it.  So it's a wild chaos with no outlet, and a pleading calmness that betrays all urgency. 

Sigh.

Here we go, Day 360: https://ia700803.us.archive.org/19/items/Improv8812/20120808185504.mp3

Blink.

Back in the city.  Three weeks is so long and so short.  It feels almost like I never left, yet so much happened in that time.  We wondered what it was that turned those kids, of all ages and backgrounds, into such a close knit family.  And we realized it was because of the intensity of what they had been through.  Growing that much in musicianship, discipline, patience, camaraderie... in just 21 days.  The unexpected happens in the instant that we blink.

Here we go, Day 359: https://ia700404.us.archive.org/19/items/Improv8712/20120807134618.mp3

Dog days.

New York seems so far away.  And my heart to be there/stay away from there is so conflicted.  Just one more night to readjust.  Whatever happened to summer?  I just don't know.

Here we go, Day 358: https://ia600701.us.archive.org/15/items/Improv8612/20120806113043.mp3

Getting there.

After a few days of the internet not working, I was forced to leave my blog to its own devices.  I did not, however, abandon the project.  I still have an improv for each day.  I'll put them all here.

Now in Greenfield, MA, atop a very cozy bed, decompressing from the last four weeks or so of heavy duty, constant work, I'll see what is still in my head that I could pour out onto this cyber page.

On August 1, my improv must've contained at least a little element of franticness.  It was the day before my concert with Pitnarry, and I was a wreck.  The August 2 improv, however, took place at Chandler Center for the Arts, one of the most incredible halls I've ever played in.  The acoustics are magnificent, and I'll actually post both of the improvs I did that day... I just love to bathe in the sound of that place... it was a special improv moment for sure.

The last few days have been full of strife and emotion, last pushes to the finish line, disappointments and accomplishments, deep breaths, teary eyes, bleary eyes, 3am phone calls, and... the like.

I think the improvs say it all, really.

Here we go, Day 353 (August 1): https://ia800302.us.archive.org/33/items/Improv8112/20120801180732.mp3
Here we go, Day 354 (August 2): https://ia600703.us.archive.org/0/items/Improv8212/20120802110056.mp3
and Day 354, Part 2: https://ia700408.us.archive.org/26/items/Improv28212/20120802110533.mp3
Here we go, Day 355 (August 3): https://ia700807.us.archive.org/14/items/Improv8312/20120803231848.mp3
Here we go, Day 356 (August 4): https://ia800503.us.archive.org/10/items/Improv8412/20120804185835.mp3
AND,
Here we go, Day 357: https://ia700401.us.archive.org/16/items/Improv8512/20120805142610.mp3

I can't believe I have such few days left.

Timeline.

I wonder what it was that brought me from there to here.

Here we go, Day 352: https://ia700806.us.archive.org/4/items/Improv73112/20120731171038.mp3

Reminders.

I need to give myself the reminders that I give my students.  I know all of you other teachers out there feel the same.

Here we go, Day 351: https://ia600702.us.archive.org/1/items/Improv73012/20120730141845.mp3

No complaining.

I have nothing to complain about, and everything to be thankful for.

Here we go, Day 350: https://ia700804.us.archive.org/31/items/Improv272912/20120729141242.mp3

River rain.

Today, I got caught on the White River during a rainstorm.  There was no immediate danger... no thunder or lightning or strong winds.  There were perhaps sixteen of us floating at different spots along the way, and we were quite spread out.  I was with Seb, and when the rain began to fall, it came gently at first, in heavy, full drops that plopped right into the water.  Each drop produced a medium sized bubble on the surface of the river that lasted for an instant before popping.  It was like a choreography, the evenness and rhythm to which they danced.

After a minute or two, the tempo changed, and the drops became dense and percussive.  For all of the cold and goosebumps that we felt, it was a beautiful sight.  The river a street of mercury that shimmered with black and white kaleidoscope all around us.

Here we go, Day 349: https://ia600809.us.archive.org/25/items/Improv72812/20120728195445.mp3

Wael.

Tonight was Wael Farouk's concert at Lyra.  It was inspiring to say the least.  The first thing I did when I got back?  Went to practice for a couple hours.

Of course, I did my improv first.  Definitely has elements of both Petrushka and the Dante Sonata.  Both had been on Wael's program.  It's interesting how you cannot deny the immediate influence.

Here we go, Day 348: https://ia600703.us.archive.org/8/items/Improv72712/20120727215053.mp3

Maya.

Today's improv was truly improvised.  I didn't know it was going to happen until it was already happening.  In the middle of a lesson with Maya (8), we started goofing around, and this came out.  It wasn't until midway through that I realized I should be recording it.  So, today's improv is four hands: Primo - Maya, Secondo - Mary.

Very Bartokian, if you ask me.

Here we go, Day 347: https://ia800307.us.archive.org/27/items/Improv72612/20120726145231.mp3

Altitude.

Something about the hard, deep sleep that I get here.  It makes my dreams so real and vivid.  Some things that I didn't know would creep up on me, or at least not in the way to make me ask questions. Perhaps the thin air of the mountains?

Here we go, Day 346: https://ia700807.us.archive.org/8/items/Improv72512/20120725152438.mp3

Two sleeps.

At the halfway point... we're all exhausted, and the end is not yet in sight.  The saving grace is the beautiful progress that has been made, and the promise of more to come. 

Here we go, Day 345: https://ia700806.us.archive.org/10/items/Improv72412/20120724083540.mp3

Risk.

Taking the prepared risk.  That's something I'd like to be a part of more often.  Tonight: definitely a special one.

Here we go, Day 344: https://ia800304.us.archive.org/33/items/Improv72312/20120723083941.mp3

In love.

In a place where I literally only eat, sleep (very little), and teach and play music, I'm happy to say that, despite the grueling schedule, I'm still in love.  More and more every day.  I'm continuously astonished by music and its meaning, and the value that it has for us.  And isn't being in love just the best thing ever?

Here we go, Day 343: https://ia700802.us.archive.org/5/items/Improv72212/20120722152407.mp3

Still alive.

One week down.  Still alive.

And... 24 days to go.  Or am I going for exactly 365 days?  Didn't think that one through too well.  It is a leap year, as well.

Here we go, Day 342: https://ia600703.us.archive.org/33/items/Improv72112/20120721211159.mp3

Bedtime.

To sleep before midnight.  This must be some kind of record.

Here we go, Day 341: https://ia600307.us.archive.org/12/items/Improv72012/20120720163357.mp3

Time warp.

It's amazing to see these kids transform.  Yesterday, a fourteen-year-old intermediate violist, after 8 hours of playing, says to her practice coach, "Wait... the hour's over already?"

I start to feel the same way, here.  Even after five hours of teaching, I'm still surprised how the time flies when I get to the sixth lesson.

Here we go, Day 340: https://ia600309.us.archive.org/18/items/Improv71912/20120719204014.mp3

Forget.

It was 2:14am when I sunk my weary head down, deep down, into the comforting loft of my pillow.  The dark of the country engulfed me, and outside, the rain fell gently onto soft mounds of earth.  Dreams began almost instantly.  And it wasn't until this moment that I remembered... I had not written a post yet for this blog.

Curses.

Well, I'm getting this one in early.  The first improv is yesterday's.  So at least I've still not missed a day of that.

Here we go, Day 338 (very Rzewski material, after listening to Akiko practice the Winnsboro Cottonmill Blues): https://ia600801.us.archive.org/8/items/Improv71812/20120718163627.mp3

and Day 339: https://ia700800.us.archive.org/7/items/Improv71712/20120717083935.mp3

Hokie Pokie.

Teaching today was so wonderful.  I know I'll be sick of the students' pieces by the end of these three weeks, but today made me so happy to be here, and so happy to be doing what I'm doing.  And that's what it's all about.  (You put your left leg in, you put your left leg out, you put your left leg in, and you shake it all about.)

Can you tell that as pleased as I am, I'm also starting to lose it?

Here we go, Day 337: https://ia700708.us.archive.org/20/items/Improv71612/20120716083858.mp3

Reckoning.

I reckon these next several days of improvisation will be somehow telling.  Either empty, scatterbrained, and anxious... or maybe a whole new dimension will present itself... the brain freed from the confines of thought.

Here we go, Day 336: https://ia700709.us.archive.org/4/items/Improv71512/20120715113049.mp3

21 days.

Almost forgot I had to do this today.  I wish I had the mind to write about what I had thought about earlier... the rhythm of our bodies.  How rhythms are just a part of our physiology.  But... unfortunately... the next 21 days shall prove to be an even bigger challenge to get these improvs taken care of each day.  Let's see how I fare.

Here we go, Day 335: https://ia801407.us.archive.org/14/items/Improv71412/20120714134829.mp3

Arrival.

After the long drive and a few errands around town, we unpacked our belongings for the three weeks ahead, and settled back into our chairs for a few hours of scheduling.  Only to find that the internet, which we needed badly, was down.  Hence the morning after blog post.  Improv is from yesterday, though!

Here we go, Day 334: https://ia800308.us.archive.org/4/items/Improv71312/20120713113216.mp3

Packing.

Taking this quick moment to write today's post, in the midst of packing for three weeks of nervous-wreckdom.  A welcome moment, I might add.

Here we go, Day 333: https://ia700403.us.archive.org/18/items/Improv71212/20120712161412.mp3

Contrast.

Hard to believe that just a week ago I was basking in the relaxed glory of upstate New York.  Not so, tonight.  More like wallowing in the stressful mind-numbingness of Excel.

Here we go, Day 332: https://ia600403.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv71112/20120711144901.mp3

Forgo.

Just like I promised, I'm going to have to forgo any floral writing on this post.  Can't wait for the day when I get to write for real.

Here we go, Day 331: https://ia800500.us.archive.org/7/items/Improv71012/20120710160146.mp3

Responsibilities.

Unfortunately, several time-sucking responsibilities are upon me, and will prevent me from writing very much for the next several days.  Likely, you won't get a good post out of me for the next three and a half weeks or so.  Yup.  Sorry about that.  The improvs, though... they'll keep coming as long as I can help it.  :)

Here we go, Day 330: https://ia600701.us.archive.org/24/items/Improv7912/20120709172336.mp3

Fruits.

The fruits of summer are upon us.

The last week or so of improvs... kind of into it.

Here we go, Day 329: https://ia601408.us.archive.org/10/items/Improv7812/20120708133706.mp3

Puddles.

Sometimes I can't believe how charmed my life is.  And I don't mean to brag.  I'm just amazed at all of the blessings that have dropped from the sky like rain, and made little puddles of happiness and luck all around me.

Here we go, Day 328: https://ia600806.us.archive.org/8/items/Improv7712/20120707172324.mp3

Upstate.

I can't help but look at properties upstate after spending an exquisite few days there, with the best of friends, cooking dinners for one another, the company of a sweet pooch, and a pool in which to laze about on sunny afternoons.  Late night card games; coffee in the morning, sitting in wooden rocking chairs on the open-air porch; lightning bugs illuminating their presence in the midnight fog.  Farmer's market bliss, earning the delicate taste of once-a-year squash blossoms, and wild, black raspberries.

Here we go, Day 327: https://ia800308.us.archive.org/33/items/Improv7512_197/20120706181358.mp3

Good in bad.

The country helps me remember all those sounds of nature that go missing in the concrete jungle of New York City.  Those sounds that make me remember that my environment is living, and impacts me profoundly.  It's often not until you juxtapose your "city self" against your "non-city self" that you realize how difficult it is to stay focused on one task in NYC.  At least that's how I feel.  There's a constant whirring in the body... even when you're at rest, you're buzzing. 

Anyway, the shimmering rustle of the leaves was a welcome appetizer for the July 4th holiday.

Now, back in the city, I'm buckling down for a week of hard work before three weeks of even harder work.

The piano in the country house was severely out of tune, you will hear on days 325 and 326.  But I expected it, and tried to use it to my advantage.  I think it turned out pretty well.  Certainly some of the effects of Day 325 would not have worked on a better instrument.

Here we go, Day 324: https://ia600705.us.archive.org/30/items/Improv7312/20120703095931.mp3
and Day 325: https://ia800300.us.archive.org/28/items/Improv7412/20120704135345.mp3
and Day 326: https://ia601407.us.archive.org/9/items/Improv7512/20120705114115.mp3

Country.

And off to summerific paradise!  Packing is done, and the Fourth of July in the country awaits!  (Standby for posts... I've not yet decided if I'll be bringing my computer along.)

Here we go, Day 323: https://ia600501.us.archive.org/27/items/Improv7212/20120702204245.mp3

Ambient sound.

I was speaking yesterday with someone who works a bit with sound engineering, mixing, and so forth.  It made me think about the elements of recordings that I notice and don't.  And how important it has become to have a "clean" record.  I get it... it's like a neatly typed up paper or story.  You don't want to send something to the presses that has smudges or errors.

But...

... in listening to Art Tatum on my 1931 Victrola a few nights ago, my friends and I concluded that the sound from that gramophone was the sound of 1931.  What we heard was essentially untouched from that moment of Tatum sitting at his instrument.  The recording directly cut to the disc.  Any "mistakes" were preserved there, and yet, we don't listen to them... maybe we don't even hear them.  We hear masterwork.

Some of my favorite recordings are live, from inside a tavern, or on someone's front porch.  You hear the ambient sounds of glasses clinking, old men chuckling (you can see their large bellies bouncing up and down), maybe an "olé, olé" every now and then accompanied with a small crowd's palmas.  It's only with these recordings that you can really slip into the moment of that artist at that time.  The sounds are all descriptions of the environment, and you need nothing more to conjure the atmosphere.

You may have noticed, if you've listened to even only one of these improvs, that I don't attempt to mask the ambient noise.  First of all, there's no way that I possibly could.  Sometimes I turn off the ceiling fan so that it doesn't flick the sound of the music too much.  But other than that, in the summer you hear all the street noise, all the twang from a piano in too much humidity, my little cat whining, and the thin book of music I throw at her to get her to stop.  In the winter, you hear the pipes rattling, and a little more clarity from having the windows closed, plus the dryness in the air, which helps my particular piano settle into tune.

But secondly, I think it draws you into my space.  You're in my apartment.  You're hearing exactly what I hear, and you're hearing the moment.  Every one of the improvs has a slightly different sound quality, and you can feel what the day was by the elements of the backdrop.  In fact, listening to an improv from last August (I think it may have been Day 2,) brings me to the exact feeling I had as I recorded it, because of the density of the humid air that passed by outside, which in turn caused the sound waves to slow down slightly.  I know it's a little strange, but I think I might like all of these recordings more because of this.

Anyway, on to today's pre-park improv.

Here we go, Day 322: https://ia801407.us.archive.org/14/items/Improv7112/20120701184137.mp3

Gallery.

Something important that dawned on me tonight.  It's imperative that you believe that people enjoy your music.  Take that away, and every note becomes tentative and unsure.  Even if it's not.  Of course, being swollen with talent helps a lot, as in the case of Jason Moran, whom I saw perform tonight.  Pretty inspiring to see people play that don't revert to gimmicks and devices to make their music work.  These guys, Ralph Alessi, Moran, Drew Gress and Nasheet Waits played beautiful music.  Long lines, stillness at times, thoughtfulness, conversation... and not until the music really required it by virtue of nature did they explode into wild fortissimos.  Again, the kind of night that makes me remember why I live in this place.

Here we go, Day 321: https://ia600800.us.archive.org/31/items/Improv63012/20120630164357.mp3

Jesse's Bagatelles.

Jesse's Bagatelles.  I was utterly blown away by them.  Bravo, bravo, bravo.  I can't say it enough... it was wonderful to witness such amazing music, by incredible musicians, in an intimate environment and at the onset of greatness.  I say this with complete sincerity, and I hope that Jesse finds all the reward he deserves from his feat.  This was a moment that made me feel like I was in a moment of resounding time... the kind that people say, "I wish I could go back and be there when so and so played with this guy, in that space, blah blah..."  Without the blah blahs, though.  Anyway, I was there.  I got to see and hear it in its element.  And might I add, this is one of those important reasons why I live in New York.

Here we go, Day 320: https://ia600306.us.archive.org/34/items/Improv62912/20120629185348.mp3

Himalaya.

Beginning to buckle down for a crazy few weeks ahead.

I can't believe that I have less than two months left of this project.  The past year, swelling with experiences of all sorts, has left me dumbfounded.  I can't believe how much can fit into this time that has been so short.  And the intensity of meaning that I've discovered... so many mysteries, it seems, have made themselves known.  Or at least they've shown a bare ankle.  And my awareness of such has proven to be a source of happiness, as thinking around them has been quite an intellectual adventure.  And that journey, I've been blessed to share with a few special comrades... sherpas that didn't even know they were leading.

Here we go, Day 319: https://ia902704.us.archive.org/29/items/Improv62812/20120628202432.mp3

The absurdity of the classical ideal.

With regard to classical music:

I've been working on the Brahms F Major cello sonata over the past few weeks, and am lucky enough to have a run-through partner that doesn't mind all of my humps and bumps in preparation for the performance.  And anyway, the first run-through made my pitfalls glaringly obvious... at the time, I really hadn't learned my part properly, and there were many places to lament.  So I spent many, many moments, with metronome inching its way up to an acceptable tempo, but still feeling the dread for those tricky little spots.

Then today, I realize that those tricky spots last for such an instant in the grand scheme of things.  I've spent what will equate to several hours for perhaps literally two seconds of music.  And then when we put things together today, those two seconds were so fleeting and unimportant that it felt laughable, the amount of time I had dedicated to their fluidity.  And the clincher is that, upon this realization, I will not stop trying to perfect those two seconds.  I'm not sure where that puts me, but I do know that as silly as it seems, I will not stop my attempts at the absurd.

Here we go, Day 318: https://ia601409.us.archive.org/1/items/Improv62712/20120627184058.mp3

Pardoning me.

Before I know it, I'll be heading to Vermont for three weeks of intensity and limit-pushing.  You know that if I voluntarily wake up at 7am every day for 3 weeks, I'm invested.

And until then, struggles to find balance between innumerable obligations... realizing that failure has not even crossed my mind, let alone not being an option.

Improvisations finding themselves cared for a lot, and not at all.  How difficult it's been to invest my analysis the way I once did.  But in a way, perhaps that is what I've needed... to let go, to not have time to worry about did I do this? or how could I have done that?  Another part of the journey, I suppose.  And yet, I find that the improvs have been finding some semblance....

Here we go, Day 317: https://ia600800.us.archive.org/3/items/Improv62612/20120626211058.mp3

Flambé.

Nothing that a little tango can't fix.

What I thought might be just a routine evening turned into an extraordinary routine.  So far, so good. 

Here we go, Day 316: https://ia600504.us.archive.org/22/items/Improv62512/20120625192041.mp3

The way to the heart.

Tonight's menu:

Massaged kale salad with French apricots and almonds.

Steamed mussels with leeks, Roma tomatoes and white wine.  Garlic and butter, of course.  Baguette on the side.

Herbed oven fries with herb (oh yes, double those herbs) mayonnaise.

French white wine, German white wine, Argentinean white wine, and New Zealander white wine.  That's a lot of white wine.

Strawberries with fresh whipped cream.  Espresso for those that wanted it.

Cooking for a cook was not as intimidating as I thought it might be.

Here we go, Day 315: https://ia700709.us.archive.org/35/items/Improv62412/20120624181157.mp3

5:02am.

Tick tock, goes the clock.  Tick tock, it does not stop.

Here we go, Day 314: https://ia600709.us.archive.org/11/items/Improv62312/20120623200828.mp3

Lyrics.

Listening to French songs.  Getting live translation.  Could make one reflective.  What's happened to lyrics?

There are no great lyrics anymore... at least none that could stand up against the great poetry of these old masters.  I'm disappointed in the masses for allowing such mediocre music to represent our culture and our times.  It's just embarrassing.  We might as well have a cookie-cutter for every aspect of our lives, because the pop music of today is all really just the same song slightly reworked over and over for different singers.  And this mentality has pervaded so many other industries, artistic and otherwise.  Very frustrating.

Here we go, Day 313: https://ia700808.us.archive.org/4/items/Improv62212/20120622213811.mp3

There's a word for that in French.

It doesn't matter that a shirt is wrinkled, or that a flavor isn't quite authentic.  One may have been a little tired.  Or perhaps stepped in a puddle, with a now wet foot.  We live with flaws.  But we live perfectly.

Here we go, Day 312: https://ia600804.us.archive.org/4/items/Improv62112/20120621143527.mp3

Bon voyage.

New York.  The most transient place I can think of.  After living here for nearly a decade, it's apparent that it's not going to be permanent for all of your friends.  Most of them leave after two or three years.  Another bunch will take off after five.  Others, a small handful, call it quits after nine or ten.  And on and on.  Two of my friends will move to Barcelona on Sunday.  It's always hard to part ways with people you care about.  Even when you've come to expect it.

Here we go, Day 311: https://ia600300.us.archive.org/12/items/Improv62012/20120619210214.mp3

Gonna get hot in here.

Air conditioner installed: check.  Fan blades cleaned and tightened: check.  Refrigerator still running: check.  All ready for 97 degrees tomorrow.  At least as ready as I'm gonna be!

The hot.  It's a comin'.

Here we go, Day 310: https://ia600304.us.archive.org/10/items/Improv61912/20120619210214.mp3

Dimensions.

I love to see marks from the past.  The way things were, and how people did things.  And who stood where.  The great things, and the small things.  And the weight that is felt from simple rituals that burn into a time place after having occurred habitually day after day.  Drinking a glass of water over the sink.  Practicing the piano in that same spot, and grunting in dismay when a mistake is made.  Hugging guests upon entry into one's home.  Pouring scoops of food into a dish for the cat.

And also that people were pretty much the same then as they are now.  And our stories are reflective of their stories.  Even though we have the internet now, and cell phones, and reality TV.  And they had books, baskets, and bonnets.

But anyway, I guess I'm a bit thoughtful about that whole space/time continuum (I honestly really don't even know what I'm talking about), and I have always felt the fourth dimension as if I could reach out and touch the past and future, if only I could see them.

Scars and mars.  Wrinkles.  Scrapes.  Evidence of how one lived life. 

Here we go, Day 309: https://ia700803.us.archive.org/23/items/Improv61812/20120618212945.mp3

Recipe.

Ceiling fan.  Tick tick tick tick tickity tickity tickity tlickety tlack tlack tlack flahflahflah flack fli flack fli flack....

You get the point.  Louder than a ticking time bomb... if you could personify its effects, though, similar results to one.  Ever maddening.  Add: 2 police sirens, and a heaping spoonful of piercing cat meows during moments of implied quietude.  A pinch of crotch rocket careening down the street at full speed.  3 teaspoons of children crying on the sidewalk.  A dash of cheer from the neighborhood bar as Germany scores a goal.  All part of the recipe that begins New York summer.

Here we go, Day 308: https://ia800308.us.archive.org/19/items/Improv61712/20120617180417.mp3

Ratio.

When I want the winks to outnumber the words, it means I'll have to keep things short for the time being.

Here we go, Day 307: https://ia700705.us.archive.org/2/items/Improv61612/20120616165150.mp3

Let go.

A bit of indirect advice that I plucked from a story a friend told... she had said to her then boyfriend, now husband, "Why are you waiting to be unhappy?"  (The circumstances are not really mine to share in this post, so I won't go into it, but rest assured that they are in fact ridiculously happy.)  I relayed the same question to my good friend tonight, who was very much in need of the challenge.  The point was that we worry ourselves to death, and hold back, and take decisions all based on a hypothetical "what if...?" when the good life is right there in front of us for the taking.  And we're all weighed down with this baggage, from our own experiences and the experiences of those around us, that is often irrelevant to the present.  We forget that outcomes are variable.  That yes, consequences could be dire, but on the other hand, could lead to unimaginable, free bliss.  (I'm trying to think of a word that's even stronger than bliss, but I can't think of one... I guess you get the point.)

It all boils down to vulnerability... which was an important element of my very first blog post.  Overcoming fear of vulnerability was high on my list of priorities (a necessity, even) as I started this whole thing, and now that it has begun to melt away, I can see how I might be able to relate the process to life, and not just music-making.  And as hard as it is to let that go, pride be my enemy, I'm excited that I might be able to do it.  Little by little, yes, but freedom, knowledge, and understanding wait on the other side.

Here we go, Day 306: https://ia700800.us.archive.org/18/items/Improv61512/20120615175224.mp3

Best laid plans.

I wonder the paths that I will take.  Because so far, I couldn't have anticipated most of them.  And I don't mean generally, but more in the details, which is where the surprises happen.  An important lesson, perhaps. 

Here we go, Day 305: https://ia800307.us.archive.org/27/items/Improv61412/20120614211639.mp3

Through the mists.

Humidity is my nemesis.  It's always been the most difficult condition for me to practice in... even worse than an unheated room on a cold winter day.  Somehow, the heavy, thick atmosphere seeps into my head, and makes everything swim, causing chaos and confusion.  So my practicing has suffered lately, and so have my improvs.   And my piano... my piano is all out of tune.

Here we go, Day 304: https://ia600309.us.archive.org/24/items/Improv61312/20120613212902.mp3

As a teacher.

Watching one's own piano students as they progress year after year is pretty amazing.  You get to see the actual fruits of your labor.  Some of my students I've had for several years since they first began.  And to realize that everything they can now do on the instrument is because of what I've shown them is astounding to me.  That combination of the physical, emotional, intellectual, and creative is weird if you think about it.  And fascinating.  And that a person, a child, could achieve that is amazing.  Cliche as it might sound, teaching really is rewarding.

Here we go, Day 303: https://ia600304.us.archive.org/23/items/Improv61212/20120612203012.mp3

Trust.

Human emotion is so variable and volatile.  Knowing how my own has changed and evolved puts bits of fear into me, because in many ways, it's undependable, inconsistent, and irrational.  It's difficult to trust something that was once so different a year ago than it is today.

But I also like that.  I like that as pragmatic as I might be, I'm not immune to any part of the emotional spectrum.  And I like that I feel hurt or happy.  I find it all so beautiful.

Maybe a strange topic of conversation, but it popped up in my mind when I sat down to write....

Here we go, Day 302: https://ia800501.us.archive.org/12/items/Improv61112/20120611203615.mp3

Beach.

Ahhh, the beach.  I never knew what I was missing, growing up in a land far, far away from an ocean of any type.  Lakes are great, but there's no comparison to the salt water and strength of the ocean waves.  Today we even saw some dolphins jumping off the shore.  One summer in Spain, I spent nearly every day, save a couple, at the beach.  It never dulled.  For as long as I live, I don't think I'll ever tire of days like these.

Here we go, Day 301: https://ia600809.us.archive.org/33/items/Improv61012/20120610122459.mp3

300.

A moment of thanks for knowing what I wanted out of life long ago.  And feeling that what I wanted is what I still want.  And realizing that it's a good goal.  To live well and fully.  And to feel without fear.

So day 300 happens, and it happens on a day that belongs to one of my dearest, best friends.  Hence, an altered improv... but maybe the best or worst of all.  Who knows, and who cares?  It's an honest assessment of today.

Here we go, Day 300: https://ia600707.us.archive.org/20/items/Improv6912/20120609212916.mp3

Daydreams.

Do you remember when you were young, and sunny days prevailed as the end of school drew near?  There was always a restlessness to jump out of one's skin, and run into grassy fields, finally released from the shackles of homework and tests.  Visions of catching pet toads, and bike rides; sidewalk chalk, and picnics.  Those were all daydreams soon to be realized.

And now, I find myself on the other end of that time capsule.  It's nearly impossible to beg focus from a kid this time of year.  Can't say I blame 'em... I've got that restlessness, too.

After a moment or two of "where am I?" the improv turned into a study of seconds.

Here we go, Day 299: https://ia600301.us.archive.org/27/items/Improv6812/20120608214107.mp3

Patient jazz.

I had an "Oh, sh*t." moment today, when I realized how much music (and the difficulty of said music) I have to prepare in the next month or so for some upcoming concerts.  I'm just glad I have a month.  That being said, my jazz practicing has fallen to the wayside, as I've bustled my way into anal retentive, insecure, classical musician mode.  Apologies to my ever-patient jazz teacher.

Here we go, Day 298: https://ia601408.us.archive.org/12/items/Improv6712/20120607192228.mp3

Query.

I know how I would answer this question for myself, but I wonder how you would answer it:

Have you noticed an evolution in these improvs?  And if so, in what way? 

I'm almost at ten months.  I can honestly say that I'm a different person since I began this thing.  (Not entirely, obviously... but I've definitely gone to places previously untraveled.)

On another topic, I'm really grateful for my many influences.  I'm fortunate to have been exposed to world music from the farthest regions one could imagine, as well as the most archaic music, and absurd music; strange music, and traditional music; classical of course, and jazz; bad music, and extraordinary masterpieces.  Maybe at times, it's been distracting, or misleading, but I'm still pretty happy that I've got the background to draw from.

Sorry... a little fragmented with the writing tonight, and for the last several nights, I'm afraid....  Well, the improv is also a bit fragmented, but there were moments I really liked in there, despite some initial trepidation as I sat down to play.

Here we go, Day 297: https://ia600706.us.archive.org/28/items/Improv6612/20120606213021.mp3

Senses.

When I played today's improvs, I was really unhappy with them.  When I listened back, I like them so much more.  Why can't we trust our senses in the moment that they are serving their purposes?

Here we go, Day 296: https://ia700707.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv26512/20120605150052.mp3

Voice.

Realizing that my voice, whatever it is, is quite unique, given the particular journey by which I've come to it.  I don't think I sound like anyone.

Here we go, Day 295: https://ia800501.us.archive.org/4/items/Improv6412/20120604152039.mp3

*cough*

Lots of one-offs these past couple of weeks.  Pardon the coughing.  I have a cold.  But improvisation must go on!

Today's improv seems to quantify what I feel things have been adding up to since August 15.  I started all those days ago with an insecurity that I didn't have the tools to improvise.  Then, somehow, my language started to grab hold here and there, drawing from different influences, but namely classical traditions.  Sometimes the grabs were pretty abstract... other times acutely clear.  Often, my impressions were hazy, but I feel like they are coming together all on their own.

So many times I've tried to force things into place, but when I let them do what they're going to do, I get something different and even more special than I could've ever imagined.

Here we go, Day 294: https://ia800308.us.archive.org/16/items/Improv6312/20120603194823.mp3

It's happening.

For the past month, all the talk has been about Nuno and Jaimie's wedding.  That was, actually, just how long it's been since their engagement.  And now, so suddenly, our two little ones are married and on their new journey together.  What a beautiful day for them, and for my New York family to be all that much closer.  It's pretty wonderful.

And still, the improvs continue to happen, and I'm reminded that they occur so spontaneously at every moment.  And mixed with the mundane, the unexpected and spectacular.

Here we go, Day 293: https://ia600808.us.archive.org/7/items/Improv6212/20120602145045.mp3

Off the record.

Could you believe that by day 292, I've only ever improvised maybe once or twice without recording it?  Seriously!  But today, after I finished my "official" improvs, I continued to play a little longer, with a spare ten minutes.

Why is it, that after getting comfortable on the record for nearly 10 months, I find myself doing such more interesting twists and turns, nuances and expressions, when I'm not recording?  It was almost like I had stopped sucking in my belly, and a big sigh left my body.  I started to use different patterns, shapes, and variations that I never used in previous improvs.  I almost felt like a totally different pianist.  And the switch was remarkable... I could never improvise like that before.  Now the question is, how do I get myself to do that with the mic on?

Here we go, Day 292: https://ia600500.us.archive.org/2/items/Improv6112/20120601214256.mp3

Time.

Time -- its many paths, its temporariness, its movement, its stillness, its erasure (or non-existence of), its forgiveness, its many windows -- has been a common theme in this blog, and I often bewilder myself if I think about it too much. 

It seems that, because of time, only one little thing needs to happen to catalyze an entire chain of reactions.  Although I have plans, I think it's important to realize that whatever I thought I was going to do tomorrow could change in an instant.  In fact, there are things I'm doing in this very moment that I didn't dream of a month ago.  And all it took was a little snap!  

And with every passing second, new existence.

So even when I make an improv that I really loathe, I still think, "I did that.  It didn't exist before, but now it does.  Because of me."

That wasn't supposed to sound as self-important as it may have come off, but if you think about all the things you do and have made, or the ways that you've impacted other people... kind of puts things into a different perspective.

Here we go, Day 291: https://ia700405.us.archive.org/3/items/Improv53112/20120531213033.mp3

Hudson.

A walk on the river is all it takes to make one realize the greatness of New York City.  This place is full of magic.  Bums and magic.

Here we go, Day 290: https://ia600307.us.archive.org/21/items/Improv53012/20120530192028.mp3

Blessings.

After days of heat and heavy humidity, the heavens pour out their tears onto us in a giant, heaving catharsis.

The first and only thunder clap triggered the downpour, and scared my little cat with its sudden and piercing crash.  I had to calm her with soft words and reassuring caresses.  The other one, more dumb to her environment, continued to crunch on pebbles of cat food without a wit of alarm.

After a flood of activity, concerts, social gatherings, and house guests, I now have a moment to myself to really absorb my many blessings.  It's no wonder that I find myself on the verge of a cold... it's a lot to take in, when so much of what's important finds itself culminating in the span of a few weeks. 

Here we go, Day 289: https://ia802703.us.archive.org/7/items/Improv52912/20120529185426.mp3

Horo.

Man, am I glad I got that rehearsal in a couple months ahead of time.  That could've been dangerous otherwise....

Here we go, Day 288: https://ia600401.us.archive.org/5/items/Improv52812/20120528174939.mp3

House concert.

It was probably not the best idea ever to schedule a concert the day after my birthday.  It was, however, a very good time, and despite the sweltering humidity, we all enjoyed ourselves thoroughly.  I even improvised a brand new ending to the Brahms trio.

Here we go, Day 287: https://ia600501.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv52712/20120527151027.mp3

Birthday.

A memorable birthday... one that conjures thoughtfulness and reflection, and at the same time, a feeling of happinesses floating atop the humidity that spend moments in the present, with blissful grins, like twinkles you know you will see the likeness of very soon and for a long time.

Here we go, Day 286: https://ia700400.us.archive.org/12/items/Improv52612/20120526202634.mp3

Birthday eve.

Lucky me!!  Birthday dinner one night early. :-)

Avocado and shrimp salad with grapefruit and yogurt dressing.  Riesling.

Lamb chop with raisins, apricots, and slivered almonds, port wine reduction; fried eggplant.  Chateauneuf du pape.

Fresh raspberries, cream.  Port.

You're doin' it right.

Here we go, Day 285: https://ia600707.us.archive.org/27/items/Improv52512/20120525202518.mp3

Psycho.

I listened to a podcast about psychopaths while running on an elliptical machine at the gym.  Suddenly, I saw myself, amongst all the other rat people, running on their respective equipment.  And in that moment, the possibility of psychopathic behavior didn't seem so far-fetched.  We were droids there, after all.  And isn't the elimination of empathy and emotion a key trait of psychopathology?

Here we go, Day 284: https://ia600300.us.archive.org/5/items/Improv52412/20120524200728.mp3

Fly by.

Don't worry about it.  Being an artist in New York City in your thirties is supposed to be sort of scraping, shelling, improvising, spontaneasing....

Here we go, Day 283: https://ia902306.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv52312/20120523210638.mp3

Double cream.

Oooh, I figured out the situation over here, and am now enjoying a melange of ripe peaches, raspberries and blackberries, under a silky blanket of English double cream.  Call it an early birthday present.

Kind of enjoyed the process today.  I wasn't happy with my first couple of improvs, so changed my approach, and ended up liking the outcome.  Sounds like progress to me.

Here we go, Day 282: https://ia600308.us.archive.org/21/items/Improv52212/20120522210441.mp3

Street view.

It's a beautiful and nostalgic feeling to share your childhood home and town on Google Earth.  Like introducing someone to your roots, and taking a walk into the twinkles of your past, and somehow entering through another door to you.

Here we go, Day 281: https://ia902507.us.archive.org/6/items/Improv52112/20120521202509.mp3

Sundays.

What Sundays are for:

strolling in the sunshine.

picking out flowers for my windowsill.

buying fresh fruits from the street seller who gives me a little cherry on my way home.

practicing without a time limit.

cooking a late, summery dinner with tinto verano and good company.

tousling the kitties, who grunt and purr.

a bit of tea before bed.

Here we go, Day 280: https://ia800300.us.archive.org/24/items/Improv52012/20120520181939.mp3

Park culture.

I love beautiful, bright, warm days, when I can go to my spot in the park, meet some of the best people ever, be handed an icy cold beverage in the hot sun, rough and tumble on the lawn, people watch, laugh at stupid jokes, toss the ol' frisbee around, pick a time to meet for dinner at my favorite restaurant, and walk home with grass stains on my bare feet.

There's a lot to be said for hard work and discipline, but that always has to find its balance with these other moments of exquisite life. 

The soreness I will surely feel in my throwing arm tomorrow will be pleasantly welcomed, as a remembrance of today's joys.

The improv found an easy path... ideas came.

Here we go, Day 279: https://ia600807.us.archive.org/30/items/Improv51912/20120519152027.mp3

Unharmony.

Yesterday was the second time that a jazz pianist told me that they felt a glimmer of envy for the fact that I improvised without an instant knowledge of harmony.  It's funny... since I started this whole project, and even before, I always felt inferior for not having that.  And it's a big reason why I wanted to start jazz lessons.  I felt like I "should" follow that precedent.

But it made sense.  He told me that when he hears a collection of tones, he can't help but relate it to a harmonic structure, and in that vein, finds it difficult to deviate from the tradition.  And therefore found surprises and unpredictability in my improvisations.

Funny that what I assumed was a defect is, through another set of eyes, seen as a virtue.  I'm not going to argue with that... I'll take what I can get.

...but I'm still going to try to learn harmonic improvisation.

Here we go, Day 278: https://ia600303.us.archive.org/11/items/Improv51812/20120518190701.mp3

Tardy.

Woooo... this is a late one.  But not really soooo delinquent, since it is still somewhat within the time frame that it is supposed to be posted.  If I haven't gone to bed yet, it still counts.

A few interesting ideas in this one.

Here we go, Day 277: https://ia800307.us.archive.org/14/items/Improv51712/20120517202337.mp3

Freedom.

I spent a good deal of time speaking with an old friend yesterday about what we're doing with our lives.  It was surprising to me that, though he is successfully touring around the world as a concert pianist, he's not even sure if he likes playing piano.  And I had to ask him, "Why would you put yourself through all of that if you don't even like it?"  Being a musician is so difficult and stressful.  It doesn't seem worth the strain unless you can't live without it.

He says he did it because of his Tiger Mom.  He recalls the moment when she cried after he told her he wanted to quit at 15.  (He was already a student at Curtis at the time.)  And that guilt is what made him continue.

And now, he's 33 and trying to figure out how he can retire by 40.  At this point, all his efforts go toward earning money.  And he talks about it ravenously.  I asked... "What are you going to do with it?"

"I'm going to buy my freedom,"  he said.

I told him I already feel free.  And then realized that I have something rare.  I'm not sure if it's because of the values that my parents instilled in me, or just by virtue of my personality that I feel this way.  But I'm pretty certain that freedom is hard to come by.  And so I felt lucky at that moment.  And a little sad, too.  And sort of confused, but ascertaining some understanding.

Interesting, the things that drive us.  And the long lost reasons for which.

Here we go, Day 276: https://ia600400.us.archive.org/13/items/Improv51612/20120516214109.mp3

Visitor.

A very pleasant surprise, and unexpected visitor prevents a long post tonight.  Don't worry, I'll be having fun. ;)

Here we go, Day 275: https://ia902700.us.archive.org/27/items/Improv51512/20120515210553.mp3

Reasons.

Again, I feel a little bit ashamed that I haven't written more in these past few weeks.  But take comfort in the fact that the reason is because life, as it occurs outside of cyberspace, is taking me to the places that I can only contemplate in this Little Blog.  The practice of all of these ideas in reality is what has stolen me away from here, and just for the moment.  Don't worry... I will be back.  I prefer to live these things anyway... test out my conclusions, see if they work in the real world, gather more information to fuel my next philosophical discussion.  I miss you, too, Little Blog, but the interactions that can be shared out there have to be experienced.  Otherwise this all means nothing.  I can't very well talk about truth, time, or tempest without being a part of that very meandering, confusing, webby whirlwind.  After all....

So, I'll be back, and up to my old, long-winded, esoteric posts in no time.  Probably will just take a little patience.  Of course, I'll see you soon... tomorrow with another post, another improv.

Here we go, Day 274: https://ia902703.us.archive.org/8/items/Improv51412/20120514212558.mp3

Summer.

It's happening.  Summer is happening.

Here we go, Day 273: https://ia600304.us.archive.org/9/items/Improv51312/20120513162431.mp3

Priorities.

I promise that if it is a choice between the park and a museum, I will choose the park (on a sunny, warm day).

But if I'm lucky, I'll get both.

Here we go, Day 272: https://ia800301.us.archive.org/21/items/Improv51212/20120512174830.mp3

Conflict.

What I miss sometimes is conflict.  That's what makes a story a good one, anyway, right?

I was talking with Mom tonight, and we were discussing the emptiness of "easy" art.  And that it can be beautiful and nice, and have traits that are aesthetically pleasing, but it is incapable of moving us.  There's nothing that offends, or provokes question.  And that's why people like it.  Because they can have something nice on their wall that looks good, without having to feel strongly about it.  Because it takes effort to feel and understand.  At least it takes something out from us.  To feel anything hurts.  And knowing one extreme implies knowing the other.

And that kind of art ("easy"), to me, anyway, is static.  It's annoying noise; more nuisance than anything else.  And when I play an improv that sounds sort of nice, but has no conflict, it really irks me.  I'd so much rather make something ugly than something flat.  And when I avoid risk, it's so much harder to create conflict, for obvious reasons.

Anyway, take from this what you will.  It's all pretty cliche stuff, but worth the reminder.  What is it that we hope to accomplish with our art?  Is it purely self-expression?  Are we trying to make a buck?  Are we seeking to influence?  Playing out a concept?  Pandering to the masses?

Here we go, Day 271: https://ia800307.us.archive.org/19/items/Improv51112/20120511210956.mp3

Eyes wide shut.

On improv:

My eyes keep opening and closing. It's so frustrating in those moments when they are closed.  I feel blind, clumsy and slow.  But I think sometimes that when I close them, I'm seeing something important... although not quite clear.  Like an idea or dream that comes moments before real sleep begins.  And whatever realizations I may have had are blinked away the instant I've gained consciousness.

I know that brilliance doesn't come with the snap of a finger.  But sometimes the ebb and flow of learning is hard to take, when all you want is to know.

On today's improv in particular, I had the hardest time finding a place where I didn't feel stunted.  And finally, I found a zone where I completely wandered everywhere, with carefree abandon.  The paths went, and I followed.

Here we go, Day 270: https://ia800308.us.archive.org/15/items/Improv51012/20120510204111.mp3

Steam.

Another day of heavy clouds, full of rain, and humidity that makes one feel as if in a hot bath.

Here we go, Day 269: https://ia800308.us.archive.org/31/items/Impov25912/20120509214129.mp3

Artichokes.

Artichokes steaming away...

Sounds of tires on the wet streets...

Kitties snoozing...

Here we go, Day 268: https://ia600308.us.archive.org/8/items/Improv5812/20120508201938.mp3

T-98.

I'm really stuck right now as to what I should write.  I've already been sitting here for twenty minutes or so, mind wandering in front of this blank text box.  So, instead of forcing, I'm just gonna give myself a(nother) night off.  I could definitely use the break to refocus and sort through.

Though, might I mention, less than 100 days to go.

And P.S., it's Brahms' birthday today.

Here we go, Day 267: https://ia600309.us.archive.org/26/items/Improv5712/20120507211957.mp3

Weekends.

A few hours later, (after the park, of course), getting today's post in lest I forget it later.

Here's to a wonderful weekend, full of things that I love.  If I started a list to name them all, I'm afraid it might never end.

And tomorrow, Monday already.

Here we go, Day 266: https://ia600309.us.archive.org/18/items/Improv5612/20120506172642.mp3

Did not miss it.

Ah ha.  You thought I missed a day, didn't you?  True, I am getting this post in about 16 hours late, but rest assured, the improv was done yesterday.  I don't intend to let any of these slide, as long as I can help it.

Here we go, Day 265: https://ia800304.us.archive.org/7/items/Improv5512/20120505110830.mp3

Endurance.

I have none.

I've been avoiding this, because my mind is elsewhere tonight.  I started some ideas in the improv that I liked, but I totally petered out.  Pretty quickly, too.  I hate that I do that sometimes... (okay, maybe a lot of the time).  I guess my focus is on other things today....

Here we go, Day 264: https://ia600305.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv5412/20120504205750.mp3

Impression.

So the hour-long improv was truly exhausting.  I can only imagine how difficult it would be to perform it.  For someone listening to the whole thing, trying to absorb and understand the steps as they happened, was draining.  It is the same feeling as when you are focused on an intense conversation... you don't want to miss a word, and you're very involved intellectually and emotionally.

There were, of course, moments when I started to zone out, because it was all too much.  But when I jumped back in, it was easy to find my place and adjust to the new landscape.  Many kudos to Jesse, who has impressed me with, not only his playing, but his creativity, determination, and ambition as well.

As for my own improv, I kind of liked today's.  It sort of strikes me as a mishmosh of different elements which are appearing to define "my style."  A lot of impressionism, some Hungarian root-iness, and a smattering of Shostakovich.  It's not all that well organized, and often could've gone in alternate directions, but still... I kinda liked it despite all its imperfection.

Here we go, Day 263: https://ia800302.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv5312/20120503150026.mp3

Concern.

Tomorrow, I go to see Jesse perform the final hour-long improvisation of his latest project.  (One hour-long improv per week, for one year.)  I'm excited.  I know it's going to be good, and definitely give me some food for thought.  He's the one that inspired my whole project, so I can't help but feel at least a little invested in his.  And as he posts comments here and there about being both excited and sad as his year comes to a close, I wonder about what I'm going to do when my time is up.

August 15.  That's my day.  I've already thought about this.  But I still haven't concluded anything.  I don't know if I have the stamina to keep up this kind of work for another year, but I've been so utterly transformed that I feel it a terrible loss and shame to just stop.  Maybe a month long break, and then I should start something up again?

What will I do with my first day of freedom?  If I stop being held accountable, will I stop improvising?  Have I changed enough that this will just be a part of what I do, and not something that I struggle for?  (Still struggling, by the way.)
Some concerning questions, there.  And other unwritten questions, floating on by....

Here we go, Day 262: https://ia600309.us.archive.org/12/items/Improv5212/20120502205149.mp3

May Day.

Lately, a feeling of tired, happy, restlessness.  Strain; ease; anxiety; burden; accomplishment; confusion; rapture; glee.  Close and far.

But caution to the wind, and lots of smiling and laughing, as I balance out priorities by putting beautiful days at the top of the list.  Knowing that my deadline to finish immediate duties is the moment that still saves a few hours of sun.  Course, that wasn't today, but... it's been in the recent past, and certainly in my long-term plan.


Here we go, Day 261: https://ia800307.us.archive.org/33/items/Improv43012/20120430211509.mp3

Falter.

You know... I've been kind of bummed lately, because I think my writing has been faltering.  I never expected this blog to become a catalyst for me to write again, but it really has, and I've disappointed myself by not having been very clever or creative over the past month or so.  And not just the writing, but the improvs, too.  I've been letting my comfort control the situation, and really just taking a back seat to whatever feels easy.  Is it possible that I'm running out of ideas?  Or is it just that my mind has been sidetracked?

In a lot of ways I feel like whatever it was that had been feeding me creatively toward the beginning of this project has disappeared.  It's a little bit scary.  And though I know this happens, and it's totally normal, I hate to think that all the florid and fantastical channels that I once danced around in with carefree curiosity, might now be shut off.  Maybe I'll never find those places again.  And that thought really inspires a feeling of loss.  Because some of those places made me feel euphorically happy just to daydream about them.  And if I can't reach them again?

Could it be that I'm getting tired of this project?  Certainly it has been a huge commitment; much more than I ever imagined.  But I am still trying, still wondering, still working to get somewhere.  Maybe I've lost sight of where I could be trying to go.  But... then again, I never knew exactly, or even generally where that might be.

Maybe this is just a lull.  There are usually lulls during journeys, right?  Yeah... I'm at one of those moments where I'd rather just stay in the hotel instead of going to explore the town.  I just need a little rest... then I'll be ready for more.  That must be it....

Here we go, Day 260: https://ia600307.us.archive.org/33/items/Improv43012/20120430211509.mp3

Risk.

I've been very aware that I have not been taking many (any) risks in my improvs.  At least not lately.  That really bugs me, because it's something I've always appreciated, and generally chastised when gone missing in performance.  I've never loved neat, perfectly ordered playing, unless it's neat, and perfectly ordered with a smear of unexpected danger and excitement.  Or if "neat and perfectly ordered" is ironically so, then that will work just fine, too.  But neat and ordered on its own is just dull.  So anyway, I'm bugged by my own self.  Not because I'm neat and ordered, but because I'm missing that element of risk.  You get it... I don't need to write on.

On the plus side, though, I've taken a couple of jazz lessons, and I think it might start to get me to focus on progressions a little better.  So far, my II-V-Is are pretty good.  ;)  Hopefully I will keep it up, and gather some momentum, and maybe, at some point soon, I'll know all my chord progressions so well, that I will be able to analyze, instantaneously, the funkiest chord I can muster.  And that is pretty funky.

Here we go, Day 259: https://ia600308.us.archive.org/31/items/Improv42912/20120429194550.mp3

Art.

I told my student the other day, that if she would not perform a piece, her artwork would not exist.  It made her realize how specialized and personal her ability is.  And every time I think of that concept, it blows my mind a little bit more.  Though this is applicable to absolutely anything, it fascinates me a lot with music in particular, given the temporariness of sound.  You know, that whole time element twists everything so splendidly.

Here we go, Day 258: https://ia600303.us.archive.org/23/items/Improv42812/20120428144959.mp3

Spawn.

Well, then.  A little more shameless self-promotion.  Since I'm eagerly anticipating my bed tonight, I'd rather not get wrapped up in a wonderful philosophical discussion at this point.  Instead, I'll tell you to watch the Lyra competition live stream tomorrow at 5pm EST.  I organized it, after all... so you know it's gonna be, if not completely awesome, at least a little quirky and amusing.  I'll be doing the public speaking, and that's generally endearing... also a hotbed of painfully unintentional Freudian slips and mumblerifficness.  Plus, two of my own students will be performing, and, well, anyone who teaches privately knows that, at some point, your students become your little surrogates.  Even if only for an hour a week.  I'm definitely bonded with these two.  So check it out!  They're my musical spawn.

http://lyrasummermusic.com/Lyra_Competition.html

Here we go, Day 257: https://ia600308.us.archive.org/26/items/Improv42712/20120427212726.mp3

Brains.

Leave it to a non-musician to remind me how hard I believe in my craft.  And all he had to do was be an imbecile.  Maybe that gives me more belief in humanity... if I were surrounded by people like this at every moment... but then... hmmm....

On another thought, I got to talking with someone about ergonomics in relationship to brain function and how that all connects with our muscles, fine motor skills versus broad gestures and so forth.  And I brought up the idea that, though we might perceive red as different colors, we define it the same way; and that, though our bodies might connect to our muscles differently, maybe they learn to function more or less the same way out of what we find necessary.  Well, this all became quite theoretical, because, as it turns out, scientists have studied very little of this, and really have no answers.  I mean, if the NYU department has no idea, then I can't expect much from elsewhere.  (If you've got something, then show it.  I want to know.)  But, really, honestly????  I want them to study me and my friends.  I want to know the details of how we move, and what our brains are doing as we do this crafty thing, which is pretty ridiculous, in terms of motor skill.  Are my brain waves like yours as we both play the same piece?  Is there a "right" way in terms of physical manipulation?

Fascinating.

Really.

It's pretty interesting being the artsy wild card at a neuroscientist party.

Here we go, Day 256: https://ia600303.us.archive.org/30/items/Improv42612/20120426213027.mp3

In lieu.

After a week or so, dawdling on this video project I've been putting together, I finally settled on just stringing a bunch of my old photographs and doing the whole Ken Burns (recommended) thing in lieu of actual video.  So one of my favorite improvs (from November 8) is now on youtube.  I don't know how many of these improvs I'll do this with, since I'm not attached to many (or most) of them like I am to Nov. 8, but we'll see.  I think it's probably a good idea to branch out in this way a little bit.  All the kids are doing it, anyway, and who am I to resist peer pressure?  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jxko9eI4cMI

Today's improv seems heavily influenced by the video improv.  I think that probably happens often... influence from hearing something over and over again.  Even if the influence was mine to begin with.  So be it.

Before I got all wrapped up in this, I had planned on writing about one of my favorite topics.  But instead, I'll just throw out this phrase:

...the intensity of understanding...

Discuss.

Here we go, Day 255: https://ia600303.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv42512/20120425211745.mp3