Time.

Time -- its many paths, its temporariness, its movement, its stillness, its erasure (or non-existence of), its forgiveness, its many windows -- has been a common theme in this blog, and I often bewilder myself if I think about it too much. 

It seems that, because of time, only one little thing needs to happen to catalyze an entire chain of reactions.  Although I have plans, I think it's important to realize that whatever I thought I was going to do tomorrow could change in an instant.  In fact, there are things I'm doing in this very moment that I didn't dream of a month ago.  And all it took was a little snap!  

And with every passing second, new existence.

So even when I make an improv that I really loathe, I still think, "I did that.  It didn't exist before, but now it does.  Because of me."

That wasn't supposed to sound as self-important as it may have come off, but if you think about all the things you do and have made, or the ways that you've impacted other people... kind of puts things into a different perspective.

Here we go, Day 291: https://ia700405.us.archive.org/3/items/Improv53112/20120531213033.mp3

Hudson.

A walk on the river is all it takes to make one realize the greatness of New York City.  This place is full of magic.  Bums and magic.

Here we go, Day 290: https://ia600307.us.archive.org/21/items/Improv53012/20120530192028.mp3

Blessings.

After days of heat and heavy humidity, the heavens pour out their tears onto us in a giant, heaving catharsis.

The first and only thunder clap triggered the downpour, and scared my little cat with its sudden and piercing crash.  I had to calm her with soft words and reassuring caresses.  The other one, more dumb to her environment, continued to crunch on pebbles of cat food without a wit of alarm.

After a flood of activity, concerts, social gatherings, and house guests, I now have a moment to myself to really absorb my many blessings.  It's no wonder that I find myself on the verge of a cold... it's a lot to take in, when so much of what's important finds itself culminating in the span of a few weeks. 

Here we go, Day 289: https://ia802703.us.archive.org/7/items/Improv52912/20120529185426.mp3

Horo.

Man, am I glad I got that rehearsal in a couple months ahead of time.  That could've been dangerous otherwise....

Here we go, Day 288: https://ia600401.us.archive.org/5/items/Improv52812/20120528174939.mp3

House concert.

It was probably not the best idea ever to schedule a concert the day after my birthday.  It was, however, a very good time, and despite the sweltering humidity, we all enjoyed ourselves thoroughly.  I even improvised a brand new ending to the Brahms trio.

Here we go, Day 287: https://ia600501.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv52712/20120527151027.mp3

Birthday.

A memorable birthday... one that conjures thoughtfulness and reflection, and at the same time, a feeling of happinesses floating atop the humidity that spend moments in the present, with blissful grins, like twinkles you know you will see the likeness of very soon and for a long time.

Here we go, Day 286: https://ia700400.us.archive.org/12/items/Improv52612/20120526202634.mp3

Birthday eve.

Lucky me!!  Birthday dinner one night early. :-)

Avocado and shrimp salad with grapefruit and yogurt dressing.  Riesling.

Lamb chop with raisins, apricots, and slivered almonds, port wine reduction; fried eggplant.  Chateauneuf du pape.

Fresh raspberries, cream.  Port.

You're doin' it right.

Here we go, Day 285: https://ia600707.us.archive.org/27/items/Improv52512/20120525202518.mp3

Psycho.

I listened to a podcast about psychopaths while running on an elliptical machine at the gym.  Suddenly, I saw myself, amongst all the other rat people, running on their respective equipment.  And in that moment, the possibility of psychopathic behavior didn't seem so far-fetched.  We were droids there, after all.  And isn't the elimination of empathy and emotion a key trait of psychopathology?

Here we go, Day 284: https://ia600300.us.archive.org/5/items/Improv52412/20120524200728.mp3

Fly by.

Don't worry about it.  Being an artist in New York City in your thirties is supposed to be sort of scraping, shelling, improvising, spontaneasing....

Here we go, Day 283: https://ia902306.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv52312/20120523210638.mp3

Double cream.

Oooh, I figured out the situation over here, and am now enjoying a melange of ripe peaches, raspberries and blackberries, under a silky blanket of English double cream.  Call it an early birthday present.

Kind of enjoyed the process today.  I wasn't happy with my first couple of improvs, so changed my approach, and ended up liking the outcome.  Sounds like progress to me.

Here we go, Day 282: https://ia600308.us.archive.org/21/items/Improv52212/20120522210441.mp3

Street view.

It's a beautiful and nostalgic feeling to share your childhood home and town on Google Earth.  Like introducing someone to your roots, and taking a walk into the twinkles of your past, and somehow entering through another door to you.

Here we go, Day 281: https://ia902507.us.archive.org/6/items/Improv52112/20120521202509.mp3

Sundays.

What Sundays are for:

strolling in the sunshine.

picking out flowers for my windowsill.

buying fresh fruits from the street seller who gives me a little cherry on my way home.

practicing without a time limit.

cooking a late, summery dinner with tinto verano and good company.

tousling the kitties, who grunt and purr.

a bit of tea before bed.

Here we go, Day 280: https://ia800300.us.archive.org/24/items/Improv52012/20120520181939.mp3

Park culture.

I love beautiful, bright, warm days, when I can go to my spot in the park, meet some of the best people ever, be handed an icy cold beverage in the hot sun, rough and tumble on the lawn, people watch, laugh at stupid jokes, toss the ol' frisbee around, pick a time to meet for dinner at my favorite restaurant, and walk home with grass stains on my bare feet.

There's a lot to be said for hard work and discipline, but that always has to find its balance with these other moments of exquisite life. 

The soreness I will surely feel in my throwing arm tomorrow will be pleasantly welcomed, as a remembrance of today's joys.

The improv found an easy path... ideas came.

Here we go, Day 279: https://ia600807.us.archive.org/30/items/Improv51912/20120519152027.mp3

Unharmony.

Yesterday was the second time that a jazz pianist told me that they felt a glimmer of envy for the fact that I improvised without an instant knowledge of harmony.  It's funny... since I started this whole project, and even before, I always felt inferior for not having that.  And it's a big reason why I wanted to start jazz lessons.  I felt like I "should" follow that precedent.

But it made sense.  He told me that when he hears a collection of tones, he can't help but relate it to a harmonic structure, and in that vein, finds it difficult to deviate from the tradition.  And therefore found surprises and unpredictability in my improvisations.

Funny that what I assumed was a defect is, through another set of eyes, seen as a virtue.  I'm not going to argue with that... I'll take what I can get.

...but I'm still going to try to learn harmonic improvisation.

Here we go, Day 278: https://ia600303.us.archive.org/11/items/Improv51812/20120518190701.mp3

Tardy.

Woooo... this is a late one.  But not really soooo delinquent, since it is still somewhat within the time frame that it is supposed to be posted.  If I haven't gone to bed yet, it still counts.

A few interesting ideas in this one.

Here we go, Day 277: https://ia800307.us.archive.org/14/items/Improv51712/20120517202337.mp3

Freedom.

I spent a good deal of time speaking with an old friend yesterday about what we're doing with our lives.  It was surprising to me that, though he is successfully touring around the world as a concert pianist, he's not even sure if he likes playing piano.  And I had to ask him, "Why would you put yourself through all of that if you don't even like it?"  Being a musician is so difficult and stressful.  It doesn't seem worth the strain unless you can't live without it.

He says he did it because of his Tiger Mom.  He recalls the moment when she cried after he told her he wanted to quit at 15.  (He was already a student at Curtis at the time.)  And that guilt is what made him continue.

And now, he's 33 and trying to figure out how he can retire by 40.  At this point, all his efforts go toward earning money.  And he talks about it ravenously.  I asked... "What are you going to do with it?"

"I'm going to buy my freedom,"  he said.

I told him I already feel free.  And then realized that I have something rare.  I'm not sure if it's because of the values that my parents instilled in me, or just by virtue of my personality that I feel this way.  But I'm pretty certain that freedom is hard to come by.  And so I felt lucky at that moment.  And a little sad, too.  And sort of confused, but ascertaining some understanding.

Interesting, the things that drive us.  And the long lost reasons for which.

Here we go, Day 276: https://ia600400.us.archive.org/13/items/Improv51612/20120516214109.mp3

Visitor.

A very pleasant surprise, and unexpected visitor prevents a long post tonight.  Don't worry, I'll be having fun. ;)

Here we go, Day 275: https://ia902700.us.archive.org/27/items/Improv51512/20120515210553.mp3

Reasons.

Again, I feel a little bit ashamed that I haven't written more in these past few weeks.  But take comfort in the fact that the reason is because life, as it occurs outside of cyberspace, is taking me to the places that I can only contemplate in this Little Blog.  The practice of all of these ideas in reality is what has stolen me away from here, and just for the moment.  Don't worry... I will be back.  I prefer to live these things anyway... test out my conclusions, see if they work in the real world, gather more information to fuel my next philosophical discussion.  I miss you, too, Little Blog, but the interactions that can be shared out there have to be experienced.  Otherwise this all means nothing.  I can't very well talk about truth, time, or tempest without being a part of that very meandering, confusing, webby whirlwind.  After all....

So, I'll be back, and up to my old, long-winded, esoteric posts in no time.  Probably will just take a little patience.  Of course, I'll see you soon... tomorrow with another post, another improv.

Here we go, Day 274: https://ia902703.us.archive.org/8/items/Improv51412/20120514212558.mp3

Summer.

It's happening.  Summer is happening.

Here we go, Day 273: https://ia600304.us.archive.org/9/items/Improv51312/20120513162431.mp3

Priorities.

I promise that if it is a choice between the park and a museum, I will choose the park (on a sunny, warm day).

But if I'm lucky, I'll get both.

Here we go, Day 272: https://ia800301.us.archive.org/21/items/Improv51212/20120512174830.mp3

Conflict.

What I miss sometimes is conflict.  That's what makes a story a good one, anyway, right?

I was talking with Mom tonight, and we were discussing the emptiness of "easy" art.  And that it can be beautiful and nice, and have traits that are aesthetically pleasing, but it is incapable of moving us.  There's nothing that offends, or provokes question.  And that's why people like it.  Because they can have something nice on their wall that looks good, without having to feel strongly about it.  Because it takes effort to feel and understand.  At least it takes something out from us.  To feel anything hurts.  And knowing one extreme implies knowing the other.

And that kind of art ("easy"), to me, anyway, is static.  It's annoying noise; more nuisance than anything else.  And when I play an improv that sounds sort of nice, but has no conflict, it really irks me.  I'd so much rather make something ugly than something flat.  And when I avoid risk, it's so much harder to create conflict, for obvious reasons.

Anyway, take from this what you will.  It's all pretty cliche stuff, but worth the reminder.  What is it that we hope to accomplish with our art?  Is it purely self-expression?  Are we trying to make a buck?  Are we seeking to influence?  Playing out a concept?  Pandering to the masses?

Here we go, Day 271: https://ia800307.us.archive.org/19/items/Improv51112/20120511210956.mp3

Eyes wide shut.

On improv:

My eyes keep opening and closing. It's so frustrating in those moments when they are closed.  I feel blind, clumsy and slow.  But I think sometimes that when I close them, I'm seeing something important... although not quite clear.  Like an idea or dream that comes moments before real sleep begins.  And whatever realizations I may have had are blinked away the instant I've gained consciousness.

I know that brilliance doesn't come with the snap of a finger.  But sometimes the ebb and flow of learning is hard to take, when all you want is to know.

On today's improv in particular, I had the hardest time finding a place where I didn't feel stunted.  And finally, I found a zone where I completely wandered everywhere, with carefree abandon.  The paths went, and I followed.

Here we go, Day 270: https://ia800308.us.archive.org/15/items/Improv51012/20120510204111.mp3

Steam.

Another day of heavy clouds, full of rain, and humidity that makes one feel as if in a hot bath.

Here we go, Day 269: https://ia800308.us.archive.org/31/items/Impov25912/20120509214129.mp3

Artichokes.

Artichokes steaming away...

Sounds of tires on the wet streets...

Kitties snoozing...

Here we go, Day 268: https://ia600308.us.archive.org/8/items/Improv5812/20120508201938.mp3

T-98.

I'm really stuck right now as to what I should write.  I've already been sitting here for twenty minutes or so, mind wandering in front of this blank text box.  So, instead of forcing, I'm just gonna give myself a(nother) night off.  I could definitely use the break to refocus and sort through.

Though, might I mention, less than 100 days to go.

And P.S., it's Brahms' birthday today.

Here we go, Day 267: https://ia600309.us.archive.org/26/items/Improv5712/20120507211957.mp3

Weekends.

A few hours later, (after the park, of course), getting today's post in lest I forget it later.

Here's to a wonderful weekend, full of things that I love.  If I started a list to name them all, I'm afraid it might never end.

And tomorrow, Monday already.

Here we go, Day 266: https://ia600309.us.archive.org/18/items/Improv5612/20120506172642.mp3

Did not miss it.

Ah ha.  You thought I missed a day, didn't you?  True, I am getting this post in about 16 hours late, but rest assured, the improv was done yesterday.  I don't intend to let any of these slide, as long as I can help it.

Here we go, Day 265: https://ia800304.us.archive.org/7/items/Improv5512/20120505110830.mp3

Endurance.

I have none.

I've been avoiding this, because my mind is elsewhere tonight.  I started some ideas in the improv that I liked, but I totally petered out.  Pretty quickly, too.  I hate that I do that sometimes... (okay, maybe a lot of the time).  I guess my focus is on other things today....

Here we go, Day 264: https://ia600305.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv5412/20120504205750.mp3

Impression.

So the hour-long improv was truly exhausting.  I can only imagine how difficult it would be to perform it.  For someone listening to the whole thing, trying to absorb and understand the steps as they happened, was draining.  It is the same feeling as when you are focused on an intense conversation... you don't want to miss a word, and you're very involved intellectually and emotionally.

There were, of course, moments when I started to zone out, because it was all too much.  But when I jumped back in, it was easy to find my place and adjust to the new landscape.  Many kudos to Jesse, who has impressed me with, not only his playing, but his creativity, determination, and ambition as well.

As for my own improv, I kind of liked today's.  It sort of strikes me as a mishmosh of different elements which are appearing to define "my style."  A lot of impressionism, some Hungarian root-iness, and a smattering of Shostakovich.  It's not all that well organized, and often could've gone in alternate directions, but still... I kinda liked it despite all its imperfection.

Here we go, Day 263: https://ia800302.us.archive.org/17/items/Improv5312/20120503150026.mp3

Concern.

Tomorrow, I go to see Jesse perform the final hour-long improvisation of his latest project.  (One hour-long improv per week, for one year.)  I'm excited.  I know it's going to be good, and definitely give me some food for thought.  He's the one that inspired my whole project, so I can't help but feel at least a little invested in his.  And as he posts comments here and there about being both excited and sad as his year comes to a close, I wonder about what I'm going to do when my time is up.

August 15.  That's my day.  I've already thought about this.  But I still haven't concluded anything.  I don't know if I have the stamina to keep up this kind of work for another year, but I've been so utterly transformed that I feel it a terrible loss and shame to just stop.  Maybe a month long break, and then I should start something up again?

What will I do with my first day of freedom?  If I stop being held accountable, will I stop improvising?  Have I changed enough that this will just be a part of what I do, and not something that I struggle for?  (Still struggling, by the way.)
Some concerning questions, there.  And other unwritten questions, floating on by....

Here we go, Day 262: https://ia600309.us.archive.org/12/items/Improv5212/20120502205149.mp3

May Day.

Lately, a feeling of tired, happy, restlessness.  Strain; ease; anxiety; burden; accomplishment; confusion; rapture; glee.  Close and far.

But caution to the wind, and lots of smiling and laughing, as I balance out priorities by putting beautiful days at the top of the list.  Knowing that my deadline to finish immediate duties is the moment that still saves a few hours of sun.  Course, that wasn't today, but... it's been in the recent past, and certainly in my long-term plan.


Here we go, Day 261: https://ia800307.us.archive.org/33/items/Improv43012/20120430211509.mp3